Hysterectomy! EWWW!

OK! I admit I am grateful that I could use them while they were useful and I needed them, but really couldn't they have installed an eject button when we were done with all those female parts? Since no one installed a handy little device like that, we have to resort to more extreme measures! Like cutting the whole blasted thing out.... did I say cutting?? I don't want to be cut, at least not on my belly! I will however allow them to do the little incisions to blow my belly up the size of a 9 month pregnant woman so they can see all around the town inside of me. Make sure everything is where it's supposed to be and remove all the other things that are causing grief and pain. If all goes well, the large cyst that is attached to myself can be freed up and pulled out with the scope routine....I am counting on that! I already put my order in! Now, once that is done they will then attempt to remove the rest of my female parts out the only other place they can! Yep, you guessed it! YOUCH! Suddenly birthing my three children flashed before my eyes! I was thinking I could make Christmas tree ornaments or jewelry with these heaven sent items or maybe sell them on eBay or donate them to science or something! But seriously now. Couldn't they just dry up and blow away when we are done with them?? Not to mention the enjoyable side effects that come from SURGICAL MENOPAUSE! ! ! You suddenly begin to reflect on life when you get ready to go in for surgery, and I suppose, death....esp. when you register at the hospital and they ask you if you have a living will! A LIVING WILL? Of Course I have a WILL!! My "WILL" is to survive this thing and not feel like a neutered cat with hot flashes when I am done! Now, if the afore mentioned procedure doesn't work, then they will have to cut me open like a fillet-o- fish and do the full abdominal routine. This will of course extend my hospital "vacation" and my recovery time with a lovely zipper to boot! I am opting out on this one! However! IF such event does happen to take place I am going to offer the doc (under the surgical table) free haircuts for life if he can do a little tuck and roll action. I mean how hard can it be?? Bring in the vacuum! I don't care! Just just give me a little payoff for bearing three children! I know, I know, it isn't possible! Ah well. Sigh.

Now lets address the hospital food. For some reason people seem to think that after your whole insides have been rearranged and vacated, that eating spaghetti or some other hospital cuisine is going to make it's way out after they have paralyzed your bowels with narcotics! I don't think so! Besides that fun little catch all bag that is hanging aside your bed for all your visitors to see is fun to carry down the hall with you as they make you walk when you are stoned outta your mind and sporting air conditioned hospital attire, along with bed hair! How about the stickiest tape on the planet for your IV's that remove the entire epidural layer of yourself and leave lasting scars! Couldn't they hire the sticky note dude to come up with something?? Let's talk about the blood pressure cuff that goes off at will, wakes you up just about the time you get to sleep and dashes any hope of blood finding it's way back into your fingers. The other love are the noisy food carts that come delightfully clunking down the hall at SIX a.m.! I think the nurses wake you up early just to get revenge for the long graveyard shift they had to endure. I also hate those little booties that have that gripper tape on the bottom! They give me the dries and I think they paint those with house stucco! They are not user friendly.

I don't know...maybe they would let me go to the pediatric floor where they have puzzles and Nintendo, and a movie library and treats and snacks and fun loving nurses who spoil you and treat you like a big kid. No such luck! So kindly pray for me and everyone else who will be picking on me on July 7th. Thanks!!